Stormy Cat half-reared and whinnied then took off in a thundering gallop across the frost-tipped Kentucky bluegrass, which stretched out for miles and glistened like Swarovski crystals on a bed of green velvet.
First let us thank everyone who contributes a first paragraph! It's very helpful for us to have something to analyze. Theresa's great at creating examples, but that stretches my brain so far, I fear it will snap. So working on actual paragraphs saves me a lot of pain!
With this, I just want to say a couple things, as Theresa's done such a good job already of analyzing it. I love that "frost-tipped Kentucky bluegrass"-- beautiful image!
Now the horse taking off-- I am NOT trying to get anyone to write in personal POV at the beginning of a scene. Often omniscient works effectively at the opening and closing of scenes. However, it helps to keep focused on the character even if you're not squarely in that person's person point of view. We started out so focused on the woman's experience that we "felt with her" the pill bottle in her jeans. But by the end of the paragraph, we're distanced from her. The horse takes off across the field... and she's supposedly on the horse's back, but we're not getting any sensory information at all, except that lovely description of the grass. I'm not a horse person at all, but I'm assuming that's a real experience-- hanging on as a horse opens up to a gallop. Don't let us wonder if the woman slid off and is standing there in the field watching her horse gallop away. What's it feel like to be on the horse's back? What's the winter wind feel like? You don't actually have to add much. If you just added, "She clung to the mane as...." we'll probably be able to fill in the blanks. Just put her there in the experience so that we know she IS experiencing it.
Thanks again for the contribution!